🌻What does it mean to be alone?🌻

Being alone is something that I never did very well with. In fact, I hated it. The loneliness consumed me. I filled my every waking moment with talking to people, hanging out with friends and planning the next time to hang out with friends. I operated like this unconsciously for about 15 years. I lived in share houses with multiple people just so I avoided being alone. The very rare occasions that I did get the house to myself, I immediately felt empty, descending into dark, horrible thoughts about myself and my life. Sometimes the thoughts would get so bad that I had to ring people to distract me from those thoughts. I hated being with myself.

It wasn't until my journey of awakening started last year did I deeply realise how much I had been running from myself. I ran from myself by travelling non-stop for 10 years, constantly seeking new connections, experiences and friendships. All along, the one connection I craved, was to myself.

I delicately started to delve into myself. I met and befriended my inner child- 5yr old Eedy which made me deeply aware of how much I hadn't been there for her. I had been suppressing her needs, not giving to her, not loving her. I had been distracting myself from.. myself.

Meeting her changed my life, I'm now so much more loving, compassionate, kind and empathetic towards myself. I give to myself. know what her needs and boundaries are now. I know what type of treatment, love, care and support she's worthy of receiving.
I know the signs now when I'm not in connection with her. My ego make excuses and says we don't need to meditate which slowly causes that disconnect within. I tend to find that I seek the company of people more, even though she's screaming at me to take time out, and I ignore her. I find that my energy gets drained quickly when I'm not putting her needs first. I find I get this fear of being alone again and this brings up feelings of abandonment. I feel a big gaping hole in my Solar plexus and it brings up feelings of insecurity, attachment and deep sadness. I find myself making plans, filling my schedule, just to avoid being alone.

I'm now much more comfortable in my own space, in fact, I love it! I crave the solitude and the time away from the hustle and bustle of conversation. 

How much time do you spend alone? x