Loving into Oblivion
My week at an ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) mystery school training, brought up a very deep, existential & unconscious pattern that had been playing out for quite sometime. I knew I had this core wound, but the complexities of it, hadn’t been made completely apparent to me, until the training and some integration time had happened. This realization that I have this deep core wound where I find it hard to open myself up to leaning into love because I’m scared of being hurt.
My pattern is being closed off to letting intimate love in, as when I have opened up, they’ve left me and I feel rejected and abandoned, which then starts the cascade of my hearts protective mechanism. To begin with, I close myself off, as I feel cautious and scared to be open and vulnerable, deep down knowing the inevitable pain. After some time though, through beautiful connections, laughs, flirting and sensual touch, I slowly and very shyly, start to open, which feels very raw and tender for me to do so, as I know too well, the pain of when they eventually leave.
Then slowly, over time, like a flower blossoming, tenderly, I start to open more confidently to the love. I get blinded with the love, care, nurturing and support and then I find myself start to rely on them a little too much, and I abandon giving it to myself. Having their love gives me a hit of dopamine, it’s addictive qualities feel so damn good in the moment, that I forget my own love for myself. The love is beautiful, and it gives me butterflies and I start to envision a future between us and how good we would be together. It’s hard for me to stay in the present of the situation and not to futurize us. I get swept up in the fantasy of potential and the craving arises within me.
Then, within some length of time, they start to pull away. I start to feel the energetic shift of them exiting stage left, and this makes me scared of losing their love, care and support. So, to compensate this, I go into needy, attached mode, my sticky tendrils emerging from my shadows making me feel icky inside and pushing them away even faster. I find myself wanting to cement plans with them, to have some sort of guarantee that they’re going to stay around, an unconscious manipulation of the relationship, utilizing my sexual and feminine magnetism to keep them around for longer. To quell the deep pit of inevitable sadness & pain that is surely about to start all over again.
Then eventually, they do leave, and I’m left feeling completely cut open, rejected, abandoned, cast away, thrown aside. The love, care, support that was once there, for whatever length of time, evaporates into thin air, and I’m left there, all alone, once again, like always, no closer to my true desire of partnership and children, to have to go through the motions of picking up the pieces of my heart, to mend my broken bits, to tend to my devastated inner child who so badly craves connection, love and support.
This is a work in progress, so much so, that it leaves a scar over my heart, another battle wound of fighting for love in the field. Through this process, I close off again, I become hardened, scared, jaded and push myself further away from what I’m truly deeply desiring- sacred union with another.
I convince myself that I don’t need it, that I have so much love with friends, family & Spirit already. I’m good at keeping myself ‘busy’, I’m good at having lovers, I’m good at being non-comital, I’m good at always running, being on the go, never stable, never still, because then I don’t have to think, I don’t have to feel, the pain that keeps chasing me, at the never-ending reminder, of my very futile existence, will never catch up to me. My behaviors that seem selfish and self-indulgent, are in fact, my self-protective mechanism, to keep me safe, from loving too hard and at hurting too much.
The very thing, I’m desiring the most, starts to become a long-off dream, something that’s never quite attainable, like a dangly carrot at the end of a string, that I can’t quite catch, yet I’m always chasing. This helps me to keep ‘the dream’ alive, never having the thing that I actually desire, and always feeling like the life I’m living now, isn’t actually me living my life, but rather, just in the ‘waiting room’ of the life that I actually long for, deep down inside.
Now, you may think, ‘Elodie, just do the fucken thing that you really wanna do’. Its harder than it seems. For me to truly do that, it means taking a gooooooood hard look at my shadows- dredging up old father wounds of not being seen, held, or supported by the masculine. It means identifying my inner victim and seeing the places where I’m the one at fault and am projecting the blame & hurt onto others. It means seeing the ways in which I have abandoned and rejected parts of myself and re-loving them back into wholeness.
It means feeling the intensity of the deep locked away grief and pain from childhood. It means choosing to stay, even though that’s fucking hard and scary AF. It means choosing MYSELF to commit to, every fucking day, even though it’s easier to give that job to someone else. It means letting go of all attachments to the life that I thought I’d be living by now. It means letting go of the fantasy that some man will come and save me and make everything better and that he’ll satisfy all my needs and be giving endlessly to me forever and I can just receive.
It means releasing the attachment that I’ll ever be a mother, because I’ll be damned if I bring a child into this world from my unconscious patterns and project my pain onto them, needing them to heal my wounds. It means, having to cultivate my own healthy inner masculine to support myself endlessly, every day, to have my back and be there for me.
It means standing on my own two feet, initiating myself into my own sovereign strength, of choosing to keep my heart open time and time again, even though the scars remain hard and thick. It means, staying in my hearts aligned and discerning truth, over and over again, to really listen to the wisdom within. It means a continuous cultivation of my womb wisdom, to hear the voices of my ancestor’s wisdom.
How deeply can I love in this very short lifetime? How much can I open to life allowing the experiences to live through me? How much can I be there for myself time and time again so I can remain empowered and aligned? In full truth of my truest desires which is to create life in this world- to raise awareness and the children of the future? What will it take to really throw myself, into wild, reckless, loving abandon with myself? To say yes to the things in life that scare me? To face my inner shadows time and time again and love them into oblivion?
People come into our lives to teach us lessons, to show us shadows, places in which growth is required, an evolution of our consciousness. Knowing what I know now, means I can’t un-know things about myself and my patterns and behaviors, as doing so, would be a dis-service to my Soul and to humanity. This is where courage and strength is required, this is where support from Spirit is called upon, the difficult pill to swallow, that all along, the very thing that was stopping myself from attaining my truest desire, was indeed, myself. No more projection of the story that ‘there’s no more good men out there’.
The self-saboteur that craves to have the same self-perpetuating cycle repeated as it feeds the story of misery and loneliness that I’ve so lovingly created for myself, deep down in the darkest parts of my psyche. The story, that I’ve clung onto, that has given me identity, a place in the world. Who am I without the story, that I’ll never find the love that I so deeply desire? Who would I then be, if these shadows were lovingly caressed in my arms. Seen, heard, felt and given a place to be acknowledged, witnessed and loved.
To take a good, hard look at myself, to call myself out on my own inner bullshit. To ask for external support where needed. To admit to myself, that I don’t have it all figured out and to once again, unravel the very persona of me and who I thought I was, so I can make space for the ‘me’ that I’m becoming, the next evolution of the consciousness of ‘Elodie’. To let my Soul expand into the infinite growth cycle of my life without my ego stopping it
Doing the inner work is not easy by any means. Its hard, icky and fucked and has me questioning my very existence a lot of the time. But I do know that the journey of becoming ‘me’ is my life’s mission. To really knowing myself, to opening to love time and time again, even when there’s a mountain of grief, pain and hurt. How much can I keep my heart open, throughout it all? How much can I keep facing the truth, knowing it’s going to be difficult. How much can I stay humble on the path, being in constant questioning of what is and dissolving the ego to love. How much can I keep my tender, fragile and vulnerable heart, open to love?
How much more, can I love into oblivion?
